I have been dreading writing a Valentine’s Day post. I almost didn’t go through with it and made up about a million excuses {Why feel pressured by societies expectations of you? This tradition started as a creepy Pagan festival where they slaughtered animals and rubbed blood on women’s faces. The new 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack was just released, I must listen to it}. However, we all need to do things in life that challenge us. And writing this post does just that for me.
The main reason I was apprehensive before I began typing, was the fact that I feel as though I know less about love than I ever have in my entire 25 years of existence. I can’t say I have been unsuccessful in the past when it comes to love. I’ve been in love once. Real, life-changing, uncontrollable love.
And I have loved multiple people over the years. Not all love is the same, so I’m learning. My perspective has changed on most things in life the older I get. Love being one of them.
This is the first year I’ve been single on Valentine’s Day in years. Years, people. And it’s also the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. And wouldn’t you know, I’m not in love with anyone.
I have spent the majority of my life loving people, and yet forgot to add myself to the list time and time again. We tend to focus so much of our attention on one type of love. The one that you read about as a child, you grow up watching movies about as a young teen, and you feel pressured about finding once you hit your mid-twenties.
But I’m realizing that recently, this type of love has brought me more misery than joy. And I’m talking recently as in years. So, I put an end to it. I swore off men entirely. But wait, that still puts the importance of that one relationship in the center of everything. And what an effort that has become.
So instead, I decided to change my perspective on love. To accept that there are different forms of love, and that each are just as important as the one this silly little holiday revolves around. Because, let’s be real, we all still want that four letter word in our life one way or another.
I proactively started reaching out to friends to maintain those relationships in a more engaging way. I basically started putting the same amount of energy into my friendships as I would a romantic relationship. Skype dates, random texts, and ‘I miss you!’ just because. And this is big for me.
Anyone that knows me, knows how awful I am at maintaining friendships from a distance. It’s always been my own fault, though I was likely to blame it on my love of ‘living in the moment’ or ‘being soooo busy’. But that’s bullshit. And I love my friends. Like, a lot. They have always deserved the same amount of attention as any other important relationship in my life.
And you know who else deserves attention? Yours truly.
I have made a conscious effort to love myself first this year. I thought I had always done this. And then I laughed at myself for a solid couple of minutes. Because this was entirely untrue. It just took a lot of shitty things to happen before coming to this realization.
I’ve never like the idea of being alone. More so, I missed the comforts of a relationship anytime I wasn’t in one. I would run into the arms of someone that was entirely wrong for me, or run back to someone simply because it was offered to me. I allowed myself to get invested for all the wrong reasons.
And now, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
I finally realized if I put all of those efforts and redirected them into myself, I might actually have a shot at a new type of love. Self-love. And people, so far so good. How could I be so late to the game on this one?
I don’t need another human being to make me feel validated. But, like, actually this time. I’ve always respected myself, so let’s not confuse self-respect and self-love. I’m just at a place where anyone entering my life is simply a positive addition. I’m not actively seeking any other type of love then the kind I already have.
And it’s so fulfilling. I am so much more open to opportunities offered. I spend an endless amount of time with people I normally wouldn’t have. I am even starting to learn a new language. I am building a life for myself, so full, that there frankly won’t be any room for someone to come in and stir things up.
All of this self-loving-ness has made me hopeful. Hopeful in regards to my friendships, hopeful of my ever-changing, globetrotting, future, and hopeful of the possibility that one day someone will fit right in to the whirlwind of a life I have created for myself.
But until then, you can find me walking through central park, green tea in hand, wondering how I ever got so damn lucky to live the life I do.